From challenging parenting interactions to difficult discussions with teachers and students, hard conversations are part of a principalâs job. School leaders are always practicing the art of keeping their cool and their emotions in check.
Recently in our Principal Life Facebook Group, we asked, âHow do you keep your cool when a conversation turns tense, emotional, or downright ugly?â Responses quickly poured in, and there were so many helpful tips and suggestions that we just had to share.
While we all know it is better to respond than react, itâs easier said than done. Hereâs what principals do before, during, and after a hard conversation to keep their cool, protect their emotions, and get the job done.
Before the meeting
âI script my thoughts out in the form of a follow-up email I plan to send after the meeting.â
âItâs sort of a visualization exercise that helps me focus on what I hope to get out of the meeting as well as which points are crucial for me to hit. After the meeting, I go through what I drafted, make edits based on our conversation, and then send.â âLindsay
âWe establish ground rules.â
âI suggest mine and then ask if they agree and have any to add.â âKimÂ
âTimeliness of response reduces the intensity so much.â
âVanessa
During the meeting
âI get paper out and start to write notes.â
âI let them speak. Periodically, I stop to ask clarifying questions. Most of the time they just want to know they have been heard. (I learned this from a Better communication podcast ⊠and it works!)â âLynne
âI always try to look for the underlying commonality.â
âKourtneyÂ
âWhen parents yell, in my head I say, âQuack.ââ
âYes, like a duck. It helps me to keep calm and reminds me to let whatever their emotions, to let it roll off my back (like water off a duckâs back). A few quacks can get me through a really bad conversation.â âAdrienne
âI literally picture a shield going up around me made of Teflon and watch their words hit the force field and bounce off.â
âIt allows me to stay emotionally detached while allowing them to vent.â âAmy
âTwo words: rational detachment.â
âYou have to stay out of your emotional brain and stick with your thinking brain. Rational detachment is the ability to stay calm and in controlâto maintain your professionalismâeven in a crisis moment. It means not taking things personally, even with button-pushing comments.â âCharles
âIt helps to have a cup of tea or coffee in my hand to take a sip in the moment.â
âNikkiÂ
âItâs OK to take a break or even reschedule.â
âJenniferÂ
âWhen in doubt, say, âIf you were the principal, how would you handle this?ââ
âIâve never had a parent that didnât calm down over time.â âKim B.
âI always tell parents, âI would rather have a passionate advocate than a parent who simply does not care.ââ
âIf they are yelling, then they care. I remind myself of that with each conversation.â âDavid
After the meeting
âI send a follow-up email recapping what was said.â
âCorynnÂ
âSchedule something that brings you joy after.â
âDavidÂ
An important reminder when we talk about tough conversations: No one who works in a school should tolerate abuse. If a parent resorts to screaming, hate speech, physical intimidation, or threats, shut the meeting down immediately and contact your superior to report the behavior.